09ISTHETIME

I have been off and on this site for a while.  Well I am down to 175-177.  I thought my highest weight was 209.  Well I went to the doctor the other day…last time I was there I weighed 218…I had no idea!  I can’t say I feel “skinny” cause well I’m not, lol.  But I am amazed when I look at the before and after now.  I can say I am definatly much much happier.  I may not do it all the time, but I am learning to put myself first for once.  I have been dating one of the nicest guys I have ever met for the past 3 1/2 months.  He is a little bigger as well.  I have only dated “skinny” guys in my past…so it did take a little getting used to, but I love it and him, lol.  I feel kinda small next to him which I like of course, lol.  But all in all life is good:)  I am in my last semester of school and still taking the stance that slow and steady wins the race.  I hope everyone else is doing great as well!

Hi buddies!  Its been a while and I am doing great:)  I was stuck at 184 for a while..and finally made it down to 181; and I can’t wait to be in the 170’s!!!  My sister went away for a summer job for 7 weeks so not having the stress of worrying if she is going to relapse has taken soooo much stress off of me.  I also made up my mind that I will NEVER get back together with the ex.  We had one more go…and it didn’t work for me…and I made up my mind that I was DONE for forever.  We still see each other hear and there (b/c of the pup) but zero, zip feelings.  I also put myself back out there and signed up for an online dating site (YELP!)…and have met one boy so far.  We hit it off and have been out a few times; really don’t see a future…but it’s been fun:)  As far as the diet; not doing anything crazy…if I want to eat something I eat it, then just try to eat healthier the rest of the day and move a bit more.  I do want to loose @ 20 more lbs; but honestly I am happy with the way I am doing this.  Slowly.  Its working for once…and I don’t think about it much becuase it is just what I do now.  Hope everyone else is doing well and enjoying this awesome summer!!!!

WHOA! I was on the elliptical machine today and all of a sudden felt sooo dizzy!  So I pushed through it and then it happened again.  I was scared I was going to pass out so I got off and took deep breaths and stretched.  I feel o.k. now, but not 100%. 

So I am trying to figure out if it was just anxiety or low blood sugar.  See I went into this small “cinema” room where they have a screen but there are never movies playing, but I like it in there because there are about 7 machines and usually no one else is in there so I get to just jam to my music and get in the zone.  Well today this girl comes in and gets on the machine right next to me.  There were 2 other ellipticals in that room but she comes right next to me.  That made me feel uncomfortable.  I don’t know why!!! I’m just weird I guess!!! 

I did eat before I went to work out.  I had breakfast this morning and then before I worked out I had some hummus and carrots.  I’m thinking maybe that wasn’t enough.  What do you eat before you work out?????

Also thank you to everyone who commented on my last blog.  I sometimes wish buddyslim was like facebook where you would have a notification pop up when someone comments back on a blog you commented on.  Because if I write on comment on my blog I know that it is unlikely that anyone will come back and check it; you know? 

Ok, I hope everyone else is doing good today!!!

“Clear your mind of can’t”

I don’t know what it is but almost 25 pounds down and I still feel as fat as I did at 209.  I still wear the same clothes and I just don’t get it! Does anyone else feel this way? 

Sometimes I think I will never get to the place where I want to be.  But then I think…would I rather be 25 pounds heavier? Helllll no!!!  So I guess I just have to focus on the positive.  I have never done good with dropping pounds fast…I think when I do my brain doesn’t have enough time to catch up to my body and I put then right back on. 

This time, I started in September with an all time high weight of 209, and have been slowly loseing since then.  I just wish I could FF to my goal weight! 

Just thought I would share that livestrong.com is a great place to track your foods.  I have been doing it for about a week now and absolutly love it.  It tracks everything for you, fat, carbs, ext.  Really neat site.  You could also have it track your activitys even sitting in a chair burns calories, lol.  I tried to put a few activities in there but I feel like it then gave me TOO many calories!  So I am just tracking food and any moving is a bonus.  So it says w/o movement I should eat about 1450 calories a day.   I have been staying between about 1700-1800 which I think will still produce a loss because I am not tracking any of my exersize on there. 

Just wanted to tell you guys to check it out if you like to track your food =)

Hope everyone is doing great.

“Don’t be discouraged.  Everyone who got where he is started where he was.” 

So I remember reading someones blog the other day and she was talking about how when her boyfriend calls her or doesn’t call her she finds herself changing her eating habbits.  I wish I knew where I read it becuase it was really good words and advice.

Anyways so my point here is that i have found myself doing this same thing.  Like I said in my previous blog I have had a lot going on in my life.  Well and a week ago the boy said he likes me again and wants to work on things.  Well I think when we were “friends” a lot of his selfish behavior really didn’t get to me.  But this past week and a half….it definatly has.  Like today we were going to go to dinner.  He texted me at 3:15 and said he would be at my house at 4.  Then he calls and says it’s really nice out is it cool if I go golfing instead of dinner?  Now buddies he’s not asking me if it’s ok.  He’s telling me that he’s going golfing.  If I were to say no we had plans come take me to dinner I would be a b*tch….so I’m in a lose lose situation.  Bottom line is that he is selfish…and as long as he is selfish this isn’t going to work. 

Oh yeah my point…lol…getting to that.  So I have been doing really good with my diet and even (((gasp)))) been going to the gym a few times!  But this past week and a half, whenever he irritates me I eat.  Sugar….lots and lots of sugar!!!! Just last night I woke up in the middle of the night craving coca-cola!  Twizlers, ice cream, candy….grrrrrrrr!!!  Its like when he’s not nice…I treat myself.  Weird!!!!!  I don’t get it!!! And I don’t know how to sttoooop=(  I need to get back to the program.  I swear eating like crap makes you feel like crap.  I swear I’ve woken up feeling like I’ve had a hangover a couple of days this week and I didn’t drink! I think it’s the sugar.  UGH I need to get back on track.  Becuase basically he’s hurting me and in turn I am hurting myself.

Wow buddies it’s been 2 1/2 months since I last wrote on here.  I have been dealing with family drama, school drama, boy drama, you name it!!!

Family drama…well my sister did go to rehab but only stayed for 2 days.  Came out and on the night of my birthday told me she was going to a retreat.  I was bummed she missed my party but she was taking care of herself so I was happy for that.  Well turns out that she instead got herself a hotel room and had her own party!  No one told me becuase they didn’t want to ruin my birthday…but I found out the next day and was devestated.  She cut herself that night and ended up in a mental health facility for 3 days.  They wouldn’t keep her any longer and we couldn’t get her into any rehab facilities that were up to her standards around our area.  So she went to my parents.  After millions of phone calls they got her into one of the best rehab facilities in the country.  They send people from the intervention show there.  It was in FL.  She went there for 30 days.  She came back and not even 2 weeks later I caught her up in lies and found out she was in a hotel drinking yet again.  I am so frustrated…my parents have spent so much money, her job has been amazing to her, and all her friends supportive as well.  Yet she keeps blaming everyone else.  She truely doesn’t get it yet.  Now shes talking about selling her house, and filing for bankrupcy.  The girl makes 60,000 a year and has a roomate who pays her $400 a month.  There is no need for any of this, but I know there is nothing I can do about it, so I’m just venting.  I’ve been to a few alanon meetings, but I keep running into the same problem where the leader and most of the people there are 70+ years old and once had a spouse or son who drank like 30 yrs. ago.  Hard to relate too.  But I have been to a few good ones as well; and all the concepts are good.

Then there is school…one more week and this semester will be over.  Thank God!  I am struggling to catch up.  Unfortunatly I let myself forget about school while I attempted to take care of my sister and my parents.  I forgot that I come first.  Hopefully I will pass all my classes and move on to new ones. I’m too old to be messing up at school!!!!

And then the boy…..ugh….yes the same boy.  So he tells me he likes me again.  So I go over his house to “talk.”  And we did but in that conversation he went from loveing me, to this is a bad idea, to loving me again, to asking me to leave, to apologising and likeing me again.  He says that if we get back together that this is it, were going to get married and blah blah blah.  Then he says he’s going to call today and doesn’t.  So like a pathetic girl I call him like 5 times and send a few texts and nothing.  He makes me so sad.  Actually I make me sad because I really shouldnt’ care.  But I can’t help it….I do care.  I wish we could be back together and everything be ok.  When things are good I feel the safest with him.  I can’t explain it he’s like a drug to me.  He can make me feel the best I have ever felt and the worst I have ever felt.  So who knows whats going to happen there…..we’ll see.

Well since the last time I wrote I have lost 6 pounds!  So thats a positive!!!  But when I get stressed I find myself creeping back into my old habbits.  Like today I bought cookies and fruit roll ups at the grocery store.  And I ate FIVE fruit roll ups.  I love them things!!!  But I haven’t bought junk like that in a long time.  In the past I have always made myself drive somewhere and get what I wanted and that usually stoped me.  So it is good that I am catching myself on this so I don’t undo all of the work I have put in.

I am just a mess, and am hopeful that things will look brighter soon!

I feel like I am going to have a breakdown….long story short my parents moved out of the house when I was 20…my sister bought the house from them.  My sister was an alcoholic and drank and drank and drank.  Some nights I was scared that she was going to die.  Other nights I was scared that I was going to be hurt by the men she brought back to the house.  She was a mean mean mean drunk.  She knocked down my bedroom door before.  I can’t even explain the hell I went through.  Well She finally went to rehab about 4 years ago.  I continued living with her.  A month or so after she left she started it all over again.  I told her either she quits or I move out.  So I moved out.  She went back to rehab and we celebrated her 3 yr. aniversary of sobriety in november.

Since then she has had knee surgery and has seen a dr. for her back.  I have always been suspisious of perscription abuse.  Well last night she called me and told me she drank a couple of days ago.  But she said she was happy she did becuase she hated it and she will never do it again.  I believed her on the phone.  But I know that addicts can be sooo munipulating.  So we were supposed to go to dinner tonight with my parents and she texted me and said she couldn’t go becuase she had a “headache”.  Well of course that was a red flag for me. 

So I think b/c of my Criminal justice backgroud I am a bit of invesigator.  I called her phone and checked her V.M.  She had a msg. from a dr. at the cleveland clinic calling about her supopsed “back pain” saying they needed her records before they could perscribe her anything.  She also had a msg. from CVS pharmacy calling about a question about the perscriptions called in.  And a message from her friend calling to see why she wasn’t at work today.

buddies…I’m a complete mess.  I don’t think anyone can understand the hell I went through unless you have lived with an addict yourself.  I am so angry.  I promised I wouldn’;t say anything or judge her…I don’t know what to do.  I know there is nothing I can do to prevent this situation I am just so scared and angry.  I don’t know what to do. 

I was thinking today buddies about valentines day and love.  I love love!!!!  I think it is the most amazing thing in this whole world.  I love to love and be in love and to be loved.  Who doesn’t? 

Well then I got to thinking of this analogy (sp?)…so I have this car….I treat it like shit…don’t change the oil…don’t wash it……and I don’t really love it….but yet I expect someone else to love it.  Actually ask that question WHY DON’T YOU LOVE IT!?!?!  Well I don’t so why would I expect someone else to?  (lol, my car is actually cute and I do take care of it but that is just an example)

Another one is cleaning.  When I go over someones house I am the first one to jump up and help clean.  At my house I do hardly anything.  I don’t take pride in it, but I take pride in other peoples homes if that makes sense.  If people are coming over my house looks great but on a daily basis if someone were to stop by I would be motified.  So why do I care for others homes but not the one I have to live in everyday????

I’m guessing because I don’t feel like I deserve it.  So this is a weird blog, lol, this thoughts just came to me.  So I am the car I take shity care of myself but then wish for love.  UM HELLO!!! I have to love myself, if I don’t how can I expect someone else to???  I owe myself the same respect I give to EVERYONE around me. 

This isn’t a weight thing…this is a mind thing….I think as soon as I believe I am worth it the weight will come off easily.  I wonder if I can fake it till I make it?

Ok buddies…it seems to me that mostly all of us (with the exception of a few newbies) know how to lose weight.  Simple right?  Calories in Calories out…..eat less move more!!! 

At the same time so many of us seem to be holding on to this fat for a reason.  Sure any change in life is hard but eating healthy isn’t too bad, and when have you ever regreted a work out session?  Never right? 

So why are you holding on to your weight????

I have been struggling lately…not really with diet I haven’t gained but with the emotional part.  It’s like I’m scared to lose weight.  Perhaps this is partially becuase I work in a resteraunt now and I just have a lot more contact with people and I hate it when people come on to me.  I don’t know why.  I want love but I’m like why the F are you talking to me!?!? I just don’t want the attention or drama that comes along with it.  I’m so confused guys…I just don’t want it to be summer and be like WTF!!!! Your only young once and I don’t want to waste it….I just can’t get excited or wrap my head around being thin…..any suggestions on how I get past this?????