09ISTHETIME

Wow buddies, so I’ve been back on track for @ a month now, and 11 lbs. are gone!!!! Wow that is amazing to me.  Now I know it’s going to get tough.  It’s almost too easy to loose those first few pounds, then life happens and we forget.  It doesn’t seem so easy anymore! 

Have a crazy food weekend.  Eating out and going out with friends.  I’m not going to stress about it, and I am going to eat really healthy Sunday-Thursday, so hopefully the scale will be kind to me come next Friday.  My goal of 189 by Christmas is totally attainable. 

I need to do this.  This summer I was soooo depressed.  I want to fit into cute clothes like all my friends.  I want to go lay out at the beach and not be stressed.  I just want to be comfortable with myself and be able to relaxxxxx.  I don’t want to spend another summer couped up in my house.  I want to get out there and LIVE!!! 

Hope everyone has a great weekend!!!

So I have had a 3 or 4 weight loss each week for the past 4 weeks!  WOW!!!  I wish I felt it more, but that will come.  Sometimes I lay in bed and think…wouldn’t it be great to wake up and be like 130lbs???? lol!!!  A girl can dream right???

So I wanted to share with you a couple of things that my kids at school said to me.  Now let me explain these are emotionaly disturbed children with many issues, so there is no filter!!!  My sister was these same kids summer school teacher and she is really skinny (no fair I know!) lol.  Well this girl is like hey can I ask you a question…I’m like sure.  She says, why is your sister so skinny?  I said I don’t know but it’s not fair! lol.  She then said well what’s up with that do you have differant baby daddy’s?  HAHA!!!  I said no, but thought it was funny!  The next one is not so funny, at least not to me….but it was eye opening and got me back on track.  She said “Are you pregnant?”  I said no….she said then why does your stomach hang over like that?  And she proceded to poke it….I said well because I’m chubby.  She said Why?  I said becuase I eat to much.  She then proceded to tell me that I should go on weight management! (this is an eating program they put overweight children on!)

But wow, I’ve gotten that question a couple of times in the past, but not for a long time.  I’ll tell you what, I packed the shirt I was whereing AWAY!!! lol.  So yes it hurt my feelings, but it was true.  So I hope that no one asks me that question ever again, unless I really am pregnant. 

This journy is so hard.  Theres up’s and down’s.  Tears of joy and tears of sadness.  Overall I think it’s about finding yourself, and loving yourself.  If you don’t want to love yourself, then you will not take care of yourself.  I want to do this for me.  I want to where clothes and feel comfortable in them.  I want to date again.  I want to not be self concious when I guy approches me…and wonder, why is he talking to me? I’m fat.  I just want my outsides to match my insides.  I know I am a good person, but this extra weight is literally “weighing” me down.  It’s such a blow to the self esteem.

It sucks though, I feel like I am never going to get there.  I feel like it is an impossible task.. But I know it is possible.  I see so many of you accomplish your goals.  I want to be 189 by the new year.  So then I can say 20 lb. weight loss total.  I said 09 was my time…and it’s about time I started acting like it again.

Oh my dear long lost buddies!!! I have fallen and fallen hard.  A few weeks ago after many many weeks away I steped on my scale to reveal a scary number……209.  This is the most I have ever weighed in my whole life!!!! 

LOOONNNGGG, story short……I was off this summer….quit smoking successfully for 6 weeks……went back to work (very stressful job!) and BAAAAAMMMMM!!!!! I didn’t care about anything.  I forgot about ME!  I ate whatever I wanted, AND started smoking again!!!!  UGH!!! Those 6 smoke free weeks, down the drain!!!!!  All that work to get almost 20 lbs gone….I go and I gain it all back PLUS three extra!!!!  Bottom line…I just didn’t care.  It’s time to start caring.  I started this journy back in January of this year and am worse off then where I started. 

Now to focus on the positive….I DID quit smoking for 6 weeks.  I did it once and I didn’t die, so I know I can do it again.  Also when I steped on that scale I knew that I had a problem.  So September 11th I saw…209, then lost a few and when I weighed myself this friday I am down to 202.  So that is a positive. 

What I am doing seems to be working for now.  For breakfast I have yogurt, then a couple hours later I have a bannana, then at lunch I usually have a grilled chicken salad and some apples with a lil’ bit of dip.  Then differant stuff for dinner and snacks once I get home.  I basically am just trying to eat “healthy” and not binge on junk food.  This is working for now, and when I see a gain I will reevaluate. 

So I’m back.  I want this.  I want this BAD!!!  I want it to come January and say wow, I had some ups and downs, but I am finishing this year with a weight loss.  My goal is by Jan. 1st 2010, I will be back to 189 (my lowest weight of this journey.)  I did this once, so I can do it again!!!! 

Wow Buddies, this is probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life!  More hard then college!  I feel like I am going to crawl out of my skin and punch someone at the same time!  This feels like pure psycological torture!!! Yesterday I felt like ramming into a telaphone pole with my car!!!(don’t worry I would never do that-my car’s too cute=)  But I made it through!!!  I don’t know how but I did.

So this is day 2…In a weird way I feel like if I can get through this I can get through anything; like after I get over this intitial w/d stage, by weightloss journey is going to come back strong!!! I can’t wait for the day that I am not thinking about cig’s ALL DAY LONG!!!!  I can’t wait until I forget about them!!!  O.k. one day at a time…here goes nothing!!!

Buddies, I am about to smoke my last cigarette.  I am scared but I know I can do this.  Am I “ready” to quit….no  Do I 100% want to quit….no am I going to quit….YES!!!

I don’t think anyone realy wants to quit and suffer through withdraw and cravings, and not having that clutch, I don’t think anyone is ready.  Even if you get told by your doctor that it is life or death are you excited about never being able to smoke again…probably not.  I think it’s really similar to eating in a lot of ways.  If your doctor told you that you would die if you didn’t go on a strict diet, would you be excited not to be able to eat junk?  Probably not, but I think that your mind eventualy catches up to your body.  I know that its bad, I know I have to stop and I am going to, I just have to give my mind time to adjust.  The good thing is every day will get easier. 

Big shout out to Michelle who recomended “The easy way to quit smoking”  I got that book tonight and I am almost done reading it.  Does it tell you anything new…not realy but it brings to your mind all the things you inteligently know, but push in the back of your mind becuase you havn’t quit smoking yet.

I want to thank everyone for all of your support, it truly means the world to me.  As far as the diet goes, as I said before I have not been doing great….I’m at @ 193 (+4) but I will weigh and update on Friday.  Then I am giving myself a free pass for the week (I know probably not the best idea, but I need some of the preasure off) .  I will then continue on my weight loss journey.  I will also probably be blogging like crazy to keep my hands busy, lol!!! 

Thank you again……Here goes nothing!

Dear Cigs-

We have been together for so long.  I remember taking my first hit of you….you made me cough, I should have known then that you were not a good friend.  But as I took more and more of you, I wanted you around more and more.  I remember making my first sacrifice for you jr. year in high school.  I wanted to spend more time with you so I quit the swim team.  I remember turning down a couple of road trips becuase the people going did not like you.  I even gave up a couple potential loves for you.  They did not like you or the way you made my breath smell.  Even after I brushed my teeth, used mouth wash and gum…they could still smell you on me.  You have been there with me through high school, through college and through most of my 20’s.  It’s been an abusive relationship.  I make sacrifices for you!!! I spend money on you!!! And what do you do for me?????  Nothing good….you make me cough, you make me smell, you make it hard for me to run….I can’t be free when you are in my life.  So cigs…I’m saying goodbye.  I have given all that I can give.  It’s time for me and my lungs to move on.   Sure I will miss you, you have been in my life for over 12 yrs.  But I know with time I will look back on our relationship as I do with any bad one and wonder why I wasted so much time on you.  I will relesh you today, but come tomorrow morning you are gone, and you must never come back.  I am tired of you hurting me.  I love you, but I love me more.

Megan

p.s. Andreajacobs…I loved your comment on my last blog, I can’t seem to access yours.  It freezes my computer when I go to your page, can’t send a message or a booster, don’t know why!  But thank you for your kind and inspiring words.

p.s.s. Thank you everyone for the love and advice on my last blog.  When a craving hits I am going to come back and read your kind words. 

I think I only got 2 hrs. of sleep last night!!! ugh! Thats ok though, I am trying to get back on a normal schedule.  With the funk I am kinda still in, I was staying up all night and sleeping all day…no good!!!  So hopefuly this will kick my butt back to the life of a normal person, lol!

I have not been doing good on my diet at all!!!  Actualy pretty horrible=(  I had a 2 pound gain this week.  I am on day 5 of chantix now…omg I do not know how I am going to quit smoking in 3 days.  I am so scared.  I want this, I realy do but as gross as it is I LOVE SMOKING!!!!  ugh! I said it!  My main motivation to quit is money.  I’m so broke but yet I justify spending $6+ a pack for something that will kill me.  I know my life will be better not being a smoker, but I feel like it’s part of who I am.  Smokes and food…my two bff’s!!!  I know quitting will make exercise easier, and I will have more energy.

Buddys WHY am I doing this!?!?!?!?  I know I don’t want to look older then I am, I don’t want to die from smoking, I hate smelling bad, I dont’ want to spend the money on it…..it’s really socially unacceptable to smoke these days…..That’s all I’ve got for now.

I am so scared, I don’t know if I’m trying to talk myself out of quitting or what, but it sucks!  Why can’t a study come out and show they are good for you…..like vitamin packed cig hits the market! lol.

So buddies I need some motivation……if you’ve quit please tell me how your life is better now…..if you hate smoking bash it…….if you still smoke tell me what you don’t like about it.

Thanks=)

Thank you everyone who commented on my last blog.   I can not even describe in words how much that touched me!  Its so weird after writing that blog I felt like such a loser, that everyone would pass by it and be like omg what a pathetic girl having a pity party for herself!!!  But the response was the opposite and thank you so much from the bottom of my heart!

Butterflykiss & Andreajacobs, I tried to read your blogs and give you a booster note, but my computer won’t let me it just froze when it came to your page!  I will try again tomorrow but if not, I wanted to say thank you so much!!!

Well buddies I started taking chantix today to quit smoking.  I originaly set my date for August 1st, but by that time I may have another job and use that as an excuse so I figured not is as good of a time as any, so next wed. or thurs. I hope to be smoke free.  Buddies, I don’t know if I am ready for this!!  Smokes have been my bff along with food.  If I feel akward in a social situation I turn to cigs….if I’m bored I turn to smokes….If i’m waking up I turn to smokes….if I am driving I turnk to smokes….lol you get the idea!!!  But they are a WASTE of money that I do not have!!!  If I decide to get serious about exercise they will stand in my way.  They hold me back in places that I wish I could smoke.  I know that the pro’s FAR outweigh the cons I just need to wrap my mind around this. 

I think a small part of me is thinking of the ex, and when we hang out we smoke….Every wednesday we go out to dinner and smoke before and after, kinda like a little bonding experience…but he doesn’t want me anyways, so why am I holding on to these things that are killing me to try to hold on to what we had in a weird way???  I need to let both of them go.  if its meant to be it will work out.  I think I hold on to him because he is the easy way out.  If I was with him I wouldn’t have to worry about money or going back to school or driving anywhere.  I wouldn’t have to worry about being lonely. I wouldn’t have to worry about paying the bills.  I would have a partner.  But I know I deserve someone who truly wants to be with me. 

I havn’t fully gotten back to the eating right and exercising, but I will buddies!!! I can promise you that!  But thank you all for your support!!!  It truly means the world to me.

Thank you all for the support on my last blog!  I am still really down=( 

The thing that sucks is I am doing this to myself!  I think the whole grad school is getting to me.  I have been taking pre-rec classes to get my masters in speech language pathology, and have been doing great. But the problem is that it seems next to impossible to get into a graduate program.  Most only accept between 15-20 people a year…all with grade points wayyyy higher then mine.  So the question is do I stick with this in hope that someday somewhere will accept me?  Or do I go and get my masters in special ed…I know I can get into that program and know I would be good at that job as well. (I work as an assistant for that now)…..

I wish I could just find a decent paying job without going back to school! But I am prety sure that’s not going to happen, so I have too.  Which brings me to my next problem…I am scared to death of driving on the highways. Which causes a problem in going back to school being that the cheepest school is downtown.  You can get there w/o them but it’s on the crazy old long bridge, which doesn’t sound much better to me.  This has caused so many problems for me, but I can’t help it I’m SCARED!!!  Even when I am on the freeway with someone else driving I feel like we are going to get hit and I get all jumpy and nervous.  It’s really holding me back=(

I also want to quit smoking.  I’ve smoked way too long and way too much.  Everyone keeps saying you have to REALY want to quit to quit…..Do I ever think I will REALY want to quit…NO!!!  I enjoy it, it’s a part of my routine and a part of socializing…  But if I weigh the pro’s and con’s obviously there are wayyy more pro’s to quitting.  I set a date for Aug. 1st to be my quit date.  I’m scared…I don’t know if I can do it…I’ve already been sabataging my weight loss, and this in my head is going to give me one more excuse to EAT EAT EAT.

Oh buddies I don’t know I was hoping to come on here today with a new positive attitude (I really used to be VERY positive, so much so I’m sure it bugged others, lol) I just can’t seem to get back there.  I want to be positive, and I want to get over my stupid fears…I want to quit smoking, and make a decision on school….I want I want I want…….

Well I can want things till I’m blue in the face but now it seems like I have to DO something about it!!!!  oh where do I start…

I’m so not in a good place right now=(  I’m sad all the time, and not being very healthy.  I drank last night, had mcdonalds breakfast and potato skins and ice cream today!  I’m so disgusted and disapointed in myself.  I have way to much time on my hands.  You would think I would be working out, cleaning, having fun…But I get way more done when I have a packed schedule.  I’ve been nothing but lazy….sleeping the days away, watching tv…nothing good.

I dont’ know how to pull myself out of this funk.  Most people would love to have summers off like I do!  I usualy work in the summers at a differant job, but havn’t found one yet.  I have way to much time to think.  I’m being such a loser!  I need to pull myself out of this funk or I will be 200+ and more miserable then ever in no time…..

Sorry for being negative buddy’s just needed to vent…